Nothing heralds the arrival of the Christmas season more than the sight of your neighborhood Christmas tree lot! Usually “sprouting up” the day after Thanksgiving, these tree lots offer one of the last great bastions of unique commerce: the art of haggling.
Finding the perfect tree, getting a dollar or two knocked off the price AND getting the guy to tie it up on top of your car is a rite of passage for most men. You do it the way your dad taught you because THAT’S the way HIS dad taught HIM! But buying a Christmas tree and getting it home is the easy part. The real trick isn’t picking the right tree. It’s getting it into your house.
With that in mind, I have decided to supply you with the following, never before shared, 15-point Christmas tree set-up plan invented by my grandfather, J. B. Butler back in 1938.
1. Cut the cords that bind the tree to the roof of your car. Allow them to snap back and strike you in the eye.
2. Curse.
3. Slowly pull the tree toward you.
4. Wobble under the tree’s weight for a few seconds, then fall down.
5. Curse.
6. Stand up and notice the fresh scratches in the roof of your car.
7. Curse.
8. Drag the tree to your front door. Spend 15 minutes figuring out how to open the doorwhile simultaneously getting the tree through it.
9. Drag the tree away from the door so that you can enter with the tree facing in the right direction.
10. Once inside, fill the tree stand with water.
11. Knock all of the water out of the tree stand because you forgot you’re supposed to fill thetree stand after you put the tree in it.
12. Curse.
13. Your tree should now be in the stand. Notice the fallen needles that have reduced your tree to half the size it was when you bought it.
14. Down seven cups of eggnog to settle your nerves.
15. Slur your curses.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree @%*&*!!!
From the EIL Family to your family, we wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
David and Bear Merry Christmas
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